Rose finds it hard to think of leaving her husband. This is a common feeling for women who are in an abusive relationship.

Rose finds it hard to leave because she:

• Is not sure if she can stay in Canada.
• Is not sure if she can get financial help.
• Is afraid that her husband will get back at her.
• May not get support from her community.
• Does not know who to turn to.
• Is concerned about where to live and how to support herself and her children.

When she is thinking about what to do, she may be weighing the "good" and "bad" of leaving. She may think about what it would be like to go or to stay.

If I leave:

• I may get sent back to my home country
• I may not be able to get financial help from the government
• My community will isolate me
• He may find me and be more violent
• He may hurt other people
• I'll have to give up my home, all my things and my financial security
• I'll be able to live free of violence, if he doesn't come after me
• My children will no longer be exposed to violence
• I will be totally responsible for the children and myself
• I'll have to admit my marriage failed
• I do not know where I will live
• I do not know where I will go for support
• I might have to move to another community

If I stay:

• They say the violence will get worst, but in my case I don't think this will happen
• The children are living through this
• The children will have food, education and the things that they need
• I still have the house, my things and financial security.
• I am married
• I have some support

Rose may need to learn about the Cycle of Abuse. It may help her to understand her husband and her own behaviour.

Cycle of Abuse

The Family Centre of Edmonton uses the following Abuse Cycle to expand on Lenore Walker's Cycle of Violence theory of the late 1970s. This new approach shows more clearly the behaviour and the reasons for the behaviour within violent relationships.

Build-Up: Some stress (e.g., job, money, or bills) begins this part of the cycle. The stress causes the abuser to feel powerless. The abuser chooses to act out abuse on his chosen "target" (e.g., spouse or partner). The abuser may feel isolated from others during this phase too. Other events in the abuse cycle may show up in the Build-Up Phase. These may be more drinking or drug abuse. Negative thoughts (for example, blaming the world, blaming the partner, or getting more angry) may also grow.

Act Out: The anger from the first stress, the alcohol and/or drugs, and the negative thoughts are aimed at the "target" (spouse/partner). Often, this anger shows as physical assault, but not always. It may happen once or again and again.

Rationalize/Justify: In this phase the abuser uses defense mechanisms such as blaming others or explaining the violence away. This makes him feel better. He doesn't feel as much shame and guilt. Defense mechanisms are used to turn blame away from himself and stop the results of the violence. The abuser becomes the "interpreter" of the abuse and how things really are. The abused partner begins to believe this interpretation and to see reality through the eyes of the abuser.

Pretend Normal: When the rationalize/justify step is in place, both partners see things the same way. The couple pretends that their relationship is "normal". Pretending that everything is normal leads to repeating the cycle of abuse.

(Adapted from: Violence against Women, Edmonton Women's Shelter)