ROSENET-CA: - Facts

Why Do Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?

Many women find it hard to leave a relationship even when there is abuse. There are many things to worry about when a woman thinks of leaving her abusive partner.

Women may think, for example, that it is hard to leave because they:

are not sure if they can stay in Canada
are not sure if they can get financial help
are afraid that their husband will get back at them
are not sure if they will get support from their community
do not know who to turn to
are concerned about where to live and how to support themselves and their children

When she is thinking about what to do, she may be weighing the "good" and "bad" of leaving. She may think about what it would be like to go or to stay.

If I leave

I may get sent back to my home country.
I may not be able to get financial help from the government.
My community will isolate me.
He may find me and be more violent.
He may hurt other people.
I'll have to give up my home, all my things and my financial security.
I'll be able to live free of violence, if he doesn't come after me.
My children will no longer be exposed to violence.
I will be totally responsible for the children and myself.
I'll have to admit my marriage failed.
Where will we live?
Who will I go to for support?
I might have to move to another community.

If I stay

They say the violence will get worse, but in our case it won't.
The children are living through this.
The children will have food, education and the things that they need.
I still have the house, my things and financial security.
I am married.
I have some support.

Women may see themselves in a cycle of abuse.

Cycle of Abuse

The Family Centre of Edmonton uses the following Abuse Cycle to expand on Lenore Walker's Cycle of Violence theory of the late 1970s. This new approach shows more clearly the behaviour and the reasons for the behavior within violent relationships.

(Adapted from: Violence against Women, Edmonton Women's Shelter)

Build-Up: Some stress (e.g., job, money, or bills) begins this part of the cycle. The stress causes the abuser to feel powerless. The abuser chooses to act out abuse on his chosen "target" (e.g., spouse or partner). The abuser may feel isolated from others during this phase too. Other events in the abuse cycle may show up in the Build-Up Phase. These may be more drinking or drug abuse. Negative thoughts (for example, blaming the world, blaming the partner, or getting more angry) may also grow.

Act Out: The anger from the first stress, the alcohol and/or drugs, and the negative thoughts are aimed at the "target" (spouse/partner). Often, this anger shows as physical assault, but not always. It may happen once or again and again.

Rationalize/Justify: In this phase the abuser uses defense mechanisms such as blaming others or explaining the violence away. This makes him feel better. He doesn't feel as much shame and guilt. Defense mechanisms are used to turn blame away from himself and stop the results of the violence. The abuser becomes the "interpreter" of the abuse and how things really are. The abused partner begins to believe this interpretation and to see reality through the eyes of the abuser.

Pretend Normal: When the rationalize/justify step is in place, both partners see things the same way. The couple pretends that their relationship is "normal". Pretending that everything is normal leads to repeating the cycle of abuse.

Power and Control Wheel